previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
You've been wandering for about a day.
You find yourself at the edge of the Misty Forest about nightfall.
Thaddeus is with you, and he suggests that maybe we should camp here for the night.
Thaddeus, where are the grungs?
He pulls off his backpack and pulls out a long steel cylinder.
And on it, in very Grancis-like writing, it says,
Grungs, good for six months.
And he opens it up, and you look inside, and there's their entire civilization.
I thought, being that you guys are going into what could be a hairy situation,
maybe I'd tag along.
Sounds like a pretty good plan.
Why'd you guys have a falling out?
We were on another job.
It wasn't looking good.
And his haste miscast a spell, and it instead targeted our team.
I was the only one that survived.
Some smoke comes off of the fire, and you hear an eerie...
You know how ghosts sometimes get locked to things?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm locked to the grungs.
Don't tell Thaddeus that.
I think he really needs to be with you guys.
So you guys start trekking into the Misty Forest.
You travel for a few hours, and you come to a small settlement.
And everybody sees a second level to this settlement.
It looks like this settlement has been abandoned.
You hear a growl come from behind you.
From behind it, come through the trees, a bellowing gruff voice.
Boska! Boska, come back!
There you guys are!
Hey, Delaine!
They also report that there is a settlement, Altent, that is still standing.
So you've been traveling for most of the morning now,
and you get the sense that something's been following you.
Show yourselves.
And you see slowly coming up small antlers.
And then what looks like a human face.
Big smiling, two of them.
And they say, Hi!
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
We are the fifth... Nope.
We are a fifth edition actual play podcast.
I am your dungeon master, Russ More.
And with me today is a whole bunch of people.
But we're starting with Carla Johnson.
Oh, boy. Oh, I'm first.
Hey, I'm Carla. I play Nulara Moonbrook.
Also with me today is Amy More.
Oh, boy.
You're second.
That's how we're starting.
Well, you kicked it off.
I am Amy More and I play Thea Amastasia, a druid elf.
And Tom Laird.
Yeah, that's me.
I play a champion dwarf fighter named Flint Firebeard.
And also with us today, some special guests from the American Gods cast.
And I probably should ask them how to pronounce their last names before we started doing this.
But I'm just going to wing it and see if I get it right.
Kyle Grichelle.
There we go.
That's me. Hello.
And Michael Cederblom.
Yes, that's me. I'm here too.
Welcome, guys.
Thank you for being here.
Thanks for having us.
You know, we don't have a lot of guests on.
So this is our awkward interview segment.
You guys run a podcast yourself.
And we've we've kind of launched, I think, around the same time.
So we've kind of kept in talks around then.
And you wanted to be on our podcast for a long time.
I was like, yeah, yeah, soon, soon, soon.
And now finally, a long time after, we're making it happen.
Yeah, we made it work.
Yeah, I think we started right around when you guys did maybe a little after.
But, yeah, we've we do things to Kyle.
What do we do?
We talk about TV, movies, a lot of Netflix stuff.
Our last episode is not Netflix.
It's actually on Amazon.
We did the was it the big sick?
Yep. Yeah.
So most of the time we have people vote and so we can help have them help choose what we review.
But obviously, we're centered around American Gods, which only shows for a short period of time during the year.
Yeah, that's us. Yep.
That's that's about it.
Nice. Well, it sounds like an awesome show.
We I'm sorry.
We haven't watched American Gods.
I keep meaning to.
I watched the big sick with Carla.
Does that count?
That does count.
I fell asleep real early.
I think we've all read American Gods.
Maybe I'm maybe I'm full of it.
I definitely have read it like a million times.
I have also read it.
Yeah. And I I I'm so excited for the show that I want to wait till I can like.
Watch it for real, like really take it in.
Not falling asleep, watching it, which is why I haven't watched it, even though it's going to be my favorite show, I'm sure.
I think that means we've all read it.
But Kyle, yep, I have not read it.
I don't I don't read it.
Oh, perfect.
Good company.
You have Canterbury Tales on your bedside table.
I read books.
I just haven't read that book.
Because I'm trying to develop my character for the Patreon thing, man.
OK, but Canterbury Tales is an odd choice.
He does homework.
He cares so much more.
It's it's got all that like poetry and prose and like all that sort of stuff.
So I'm just I'm just looking for just inspiration.
You know how it is.
I'm just going to show him.
You better bring it next time we record our Patreon episode.
I'll show you.
Next next time our Patreon episode is just an hour and a half of me reading Canterbury Tales.
Worst episode ever.
I don't know why we lost all of our patrons.
Yeah, totally.
Yeah, let's just jump right into the game.
Fuck it.
Let's play D&D.
We're all waiting with bated breath.
I was waiting for the beat to drop, right?
That's how it works.
I don't think so.
Oh, OK.
So our adventurers, Flint, Thea, and Nulara are in the misty forest making their way to the Elven City.
The city of Altand.
And on the way, they've left the path, which Delaine Winterhound told them that they would probably be doing.
But they've been followed for a little while by a couple interesting characters.
And they come face to face with...
We're short, hairy little kind of small elves.
You know, like little pathetic looking centaurs, essentially.
You're really underselling yourselves, guys.
I'm sure you're adorable.
Time to get into character voice.
Oh, hello.
I'm a little tiny hypso.
I'm waving at you guys.
Thea waves back enthusiastically.
Hello, look at you.
Hi.
What are you guys doing here?
Well, we're on our way to Altand.
Who are you?
What's your name?
Oh, my name is...
Let's go with Will.
And you can call me Kelp.
Sorry, Kelp?
Kelp? No, no, no P. Just Kelp.
Oh, Kelp. OK.
That's OK.
Well, that's good, because otherwise some sort of great whale would come along and eat you.
Oh, I don't see many whales around here, but you know.
Magical forest.
We're kind of following you a little bit.
What are you guys doing around here?
We're trying to figure out what's going on with these dragon attacks in this forest.
Oh, yeah, dragons.
We've seen some of those around here.
Just a couple, though.
What kind of dragons have you seen?
I think it was...
Was it a green one?
Yeah, he looked like a mean old bastard.
We saw him kind of rolling through some elves, you know, tearing up the place.
It looked like a mess.
We tried to get out as quick as we can.
The elves didn't look too well.
They had a bad day.
They had some little guys following them also.
They were not too nice either.
Those must have been the cultists.
Yeah, that must have been them.
They were running around.
They had these black cloaks on.
They had some little symbols on them.
They looked like flames with eyes and dragon claws.
It was a mess.
We tried to get out as quick as we can.
We got hit a little bit, but as you can tell with a little will with his little bald spot in his head,
we burned off all the hair on my face.
Oh my god, I can't even imagine.
That wound's deep.
Almost skin deep.
Because Flint stroked his beard like, shh, shh.
That's what I was just thinking.
Flint's just like reverently stroking his own beard, just horrified at this thought.
Oh my god.
It's gonna be okay.
What village did you come from?
Where did you see the green dragon last?
We don't really know the place.
We could probably get you there.
I think we know how to get you there,
but we have some problems of our own that we're heavily occupied right now.
Maybe if you could do us a favor, maybe we could get you there.
What kind of problems are you having?
Oh, problems with some people.
We want to go back to the fae, but we can't.
There's this mean old, do we call her?
She's kind of a bitch.
Let's be real.
A little bit.
Her name is Avon.
She's not a nice person, but we've kind of made her shit list,
and we just want to go home.
We want to go back to our old tribe, going back to our little shenanigans,
but we can't really do that with a dragon on one side
and Avon just kind of plugging the door up.
Maybe if you could get rid of that problem,
we could send you on your way.
Well, we are in the business of helping people,
but I can't help but ask,
what did you do to this Avon that got you kicked out of the fae?
She wants people to pay her to go through and from the fae,
and we didn't, a couple times.
And we may have gone on the offensive a couple times.
Yeah, we tried to kill her.
Didn't work.
She deserves it though, so it's okay.
And what is she?
Is she a human?
Is she fae?
Oh, no, no, no.
She's not a human.
She's a sea tail.
She's a little person, but damn does she...
She's ferocious.
She's mean.
But you look like a nice, I don't know, hearty group of travelers
that could really get this thorn out of our sides
and you guys can just go on your way.
Much stronger than the last group.
What happened to the last group?
You've tried this before?
Yeah.
That's not comforting.
What last group?
No, they is apprehensive.
You look much stronger than before.
Yeah.
Man, they were a little squishy.
So what has this Aven done that she deserves to be killed?
Sorry, we're not necessarily hit men.
Oh, no, no.
You're not hitting anyone.
You're just erasing a problem that has been there for a very long time.
She just likes to suck the magic out of you.
When you pay your toll, it's not money.
It's not goods.
It's actually a part of you.
You'd be helping all the creatures of the fey, not just us.
And it would just really help if she was gone
because then we could travel back and forth.
It would be just a much happier place.
Every fey could travel back and forth without repercussion,
consequence, or any sort of barrier person stopping them?
Yes, yes.
We could do that, but she closed all the other doors
except one, and that is the one where she sits in front of
and reaps the benefits from it.
So if you could get rid of that problem,
we could maybe help you guys.
I don't know, Nularaaaia, you're pretty good in a forest.
Probably get us to Alten, couldn't you?
I certainly could track our way to Alten.
That's where we're trying to get to.
Maybe the three of us, the four of us,
we still have another guy with us.
Anyway, maybe the four of us,
maybe give us a minute, Will and Kel,
and let us discuss amongst ourselves
if we want to help you with this problem.
All right, go ahead, take your time.
We'll be here waiting.
So guys, this sounds suspicious.
How to lap in front of them, we're like...
Well, no.
In a little group.
We mosey over a little way so they can't hear us so much, yeah?
Seems like a bad idea, right?
I don't have a good feeling about it.
Being a fey creature myself,
they are tricksy creatures.
There's something else going on.
I feel like there's something they're not telling us.
It definitely seems that way.
Thea, what do you know about sea turtles?
What is that?
How dangerous is it?
What do we know?
I actually have no idea.
I have never been to the fey.
I don't...
Well, sea turtles, Thaddeus pipes up.
He says, sea turtles,
they were a long ago fey creature.
From what I understand is there's not a lot of them left around,
but what they do is they,
as Will and Kel here have described,
is they suck the magic out of creatures and out of existence.
And they absorb it in themselves.
To do what with?
To have.
It's an addiction of sorts.
So are they inherently evil?
It's uncertain,
but if they're stopping creatures from going back and forth
through what is supposed to be an open portal for these fey creatures...
Oh, it's supposed to be an open portal.
Yeah.
Ah, I was under the impression that there was a gatekeeper for a reason.
Oh, no, no.
The fey is supposed to be,
if you find a passageway from the fey to the material plane,
it's supposed to be just an open source.
So it sounds like kind of a mob boss situation happening.
It sounds like some sort of energy vampire has staked it out.
Ha, staked it out.
Ah, ah, ah.
I knew you'd do that there.
Knowing that, I think we should help them.
At least go and talk
and just see if we can reason with whatever creature this is.
Well, I don't want to fight a dragon
if there's a chance that some creature could come
and suck Thea's magical life force from her.
We kind of, we need that.
Yeah, because we don't need that magic.
We need that magic, so...
Plus, these guys are cute little scamps, hey?
They, you know, yeah.
They're definitely tricking us though,
but they're cute as heck.
Maybe we can sweeten the deal a little bit.
All they have to do is bring us to a place.
We are risking life and limb
to get them passageway back home.
I don't even know that we need them to lead us to a place.
Yeah, I don't know either, but I do know.
Delaney basically told us how to get there, I think.
Their antlers have magical properties,
and I wouldn't mind getting my hands on some of that
that good sweet antler shed.
Yeah, I...
A couple spells that could be really useful for.
So just to clarify, shed antlers, you don't want them.
We don't want to get out a saw,
because I feel like they might have a problem with that.
Yeah, no, I want to jump on one of their backs
and just start, like, just hack sawing away.
This is cool, right, you guys?
No.
She just pulls really hard on the antlers.
Totally.
I mean, I'm happy to ask for something in exchange.
We don't need them to lead us anywhere,
but we might need the help of creatures from the fey
to fight the dragon caulder, to fight Tiamat.
It seems like the more allies we can have right now,
the better.
We're fighting some real big bats.
I agree.
Okay, so let's give them the good news.
We walk back over, I suppose.
Well, I guess I look at everyone else
and make sure they're nodding, I would just say.
Yes, the nodding has happened.
So we'll tell them yes, and I walk away.
Thaddeus just has a grumpy face and is just like,
nope.
Is that resting grump face?
Thaddeus, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Just his normal resting grump face, then.
Okay.
RGF.
Okay.
We'll help you.
Oh, that is great news.
How far will we have to travel
before we get where we're going?
Oh, it's not too far.
What's the best way to fight one of these things?
Good stab.
That always works.
Do you have swords?
Swords work.
I've got an axe.
I heard axes are really good.
The last guy had an axe he didn't do too well.
No, you should be fine.
You're a little beefier than him.
It'll go great.
Do you want to give us any details
on this last group that helped you?
Anything at all?
Oh, there's nothing worth talking about.
They didn't do well, though.
Whatever they did didn't work.
So they're definitely all dead, then.
Oh, yeah. 100%.
Great. Just wanted to make sure.
Were they human or magical creatures?
What was their downfall?
Aven just hit harder than they hit.
Okay.
It didn't work.
I think their mistake was running straight at them.
Them?
Or maybe when they ran away.
It might have been when they crawled away
and they were crying and they were like,
please stop.
Don't do that.
You guys aren't very good at asking for help, are you?
No, no, no.
This is our sales pitch.
We are expert salesmen.
We've got this.
I will not take the extended warranty, thank you very much.
Never do.
That's never a real thing.
Okay.
This is sounding like a worse and worse idea all the time.
Sure does.
No, we'll help you.
Would you be willing to make a little bit of a trade?
Well,
what do you have in mind?
Well, your freedom to your homeland.
Oh, you have a deal.
Any chance I could get my hands on
one of your shed antlers?
I might have
one or two of those lying around.
Maybe three.
I only need one, but
good to know.
I only have one.
Oh, and also if you could advocate for the rest of the
Fae to come help us fight Tiamat, that'd be great too.
Hey, sign on the dotted line.
Oh yeah, that'd be great. We could sneak that in there.
Yeah, we could say something.
We'll try.
So, is this a deal?
Are we working?
I walk forward and they have hands, right?
I extend a hand to shake on it.
I extend a fist.
This is making me so uncomfortable.
You never make a deal with a creature of the Fae.
This is Carla speaking.
No, I feel the same way.
I feel like we're about to get
over royally, but... I've read enough fantasy novels.
This is a very bad idea.
Let's do it.
I guess Kel will extend a hand also.
Maybe? Yes.
That is a very weak handshake,
but it's coming out there.
Okay. I cringe a little bit,
like, ugh.
I told you, we need your help. We're not too strong.
But we're there when it matters.
We'll remember that.
We've got your back.
Take us to her.
So you guys all agree
on the task at hand,
obviously, with great...
Murder!
God, how many times do we have to murder people for other people?
Thaddeus is bringing up the rear and he's like,
Talk it out!
It sounded a lot more like Grancis,
the longer he's around.
It drifts in and out.
I don't know what's happening.
Is Grancis starting to possess Thaddeus?
He's super duper.
Kel and Will,
they lead you through
not the direction you were going,
they take you, like, about face
and through into
the deeper forest.
You travel for
what seems like about an hour,
maybe a little bit more,
and the scenery
around you
begins to
shift a little bit.
The trees look
a little more lush
and larger.
And
you see
the longer you walk,
kind of, colors become brighter.
And you feel
as though
you begin seeing color
in the air itself.
Ooh,
what are we smoking?
The stuff I'm on
doesn't produce these results.
Those that know the
fae know that
as you get nearer to,
the fae wild
is nature
and magic combined.
So everything
is a reflection of
the material
plane. Everything is
much brighter in the fae.
Thea feels really
good here. Does this still count
as forest, or like how does this
are my
I don't know what the equivalent of Spidey
senses are. My Woodchuck senses?
Are they
my Brown Bird senses?
Are they, like
is this still
because I must obviously notice
I'm attuned to the forest
that this is a different place.
But you still feel like you're in the forest.
You don't feel like you've entirely crossed
over into the
fae wild yet.
But as you get closer to the portal,
Will and Kel would be able to tell you
that this is
normal, essentially.
Yep, this is normal.
Sounds like it's normal, guys.
This just means we're getting close.
Everybody make
a perception check.
Oh my god, we have to roll
something. I roll really
well. This is gonna
be great, you guys.
I did not.
Ugh. Oops.
I did not either, but I have
advantage if I'm in the
in my
space still. So in that
case, I rolled a 24.
I rolled a 2, but I have
an 8 as a bonus.
That's like a whopping 10.
8 bonus is good, though. You're so
perceptive. I'm so fucking perceptive.
Guys, what did you get?
10. 16.
9. So Flint, Thea, and
Kel, everybody's walking
along, and you three are kind of clustered
together, and you are snapped
up into
a big snare rope trap.
So you are now suspended
from the trees.
Oh shit.
This isn't good.
It's a trap.
Thanks, Admiral
Lackbar. This is real time, right?
Little help here, guys.
Little help here. Are they
up in a net, kind of
classic forest trap style?
Classic forest
trap. Okay, so net with all
three of us, not just by the ankles
dangling.
Oh, well that's no
problem. How high up is the net?
You're about 25 feet up.
Well, that's, you know, high.
Kel is nude, correct?
Because I'm a wooden
critter.
He's naked, yes? Did you say nude?
Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Be careful.
Do you like dangly bits just like
poking at the... Of course.
It's like when you're climbing up the little
rope ladders, and then like your hand
misses, but, you know.
Okay, Thea's uncomfortable. Thea takes
it. Will, grab on, please.
It's my leg.
Come on.
Do you want to say antler?
Okay, well Thea
feels real stupid right now because
she used to have daggers,
but metal
offends me now, apparently.
And so I just have
a scimitar,
which...
Oh, now I have daggers.
You dropped your daggers.
You were supposed to erase them, you dropped them.
Yeah, you
hated them. I have a scimitar.
Do I have enough room in there to take
my scimitar out and start hacking away
at the... I'm assuming it's kind of a tight
fit, like elbows and like
cheek to jowl type situation.
Yeah, I mean you could probably do
that. Okay. I take out my
scimitar and I start to saw
at the side
of the net, not the bottom.
Well, Thaddeus and I just are watching
from the ground.
That's not what's happening right now.
Thaddeus is loving this.
He's like, I could... He whispers
to Nularaaaia, he's like, I could help him, but I just
want to see what happens.
I'm curious too. Did you notice the small
creatures are naked?
That one seems
really concerned. I mean, I knew
Thea would try and make a move at some point,
but I didn't
know it would be... She would
intentionally push them into a net
to do it. At this point,
Kelv really starts kicking around. He's getting real
nervous real quick.
Thea saws faster at the net.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a little more frantic.
Roll Dexterity check.
Oh, baby.
That
is 20.
Whoa.
Yeah, you definitely...
with the
skill of someone
trying not to touch a naked
hibsel,
open up the side of the net.
I gingerly kind of
swing myself
out, and it's only 25 feet, right?
It is 25 feet.
So I kind of rope.
You're in trees too,
so there would be
vines and stuff that you could reach and
scale down.
I reach and skittle.
I said scale. You can skittle.
Taste the rainbow.
I'd like to skittle down
this tree, please. Do I need to make
an acrobatics or athletics
check?
No, I'll let you skittle. Thanks.
I say, come on, guys. It's not that bad.
Might be a little more difficult
for some of you, but...
Or I could
find the anchor rope and
let you down gingerly.
Oh, no, no. I'll try to get out.
It's okay. Do the hibsels
have little hooves?
I believe, yeah. Don't we have hooves,
but we have hands? Yeah, you've got
a set of four hooves, and you have hands
because you're a human
antelope centaur type creature.
There we go. Humalope. I guess
I'll climb out, but get my antlers
stuck in about every loop possible on the way
out.
So we're waiting on the ground for like
20 minutes? Yeah, as you are trying
to release yourself,
you hear very heavy
footsteps, and it
sounds like two sets of them are
coming your way.
That's probably not good.
You should get down
now. I'm trying.
And boogie.
Make a dexterity check.
24.
Yeah, you managed to
sneak your antlers through
and bounce off of
the nearest tree and
skittle down as well.
Because he's dexterous and all get out.
Yeah.
Flint, you're the only one still left up
there. Oh, I forgot I was in there.
He's like, ah, I'm just going to
stay here you guys. I was wondering, like Flint's just
hanging out. I'm good up here.
Yeah, I climb down and
make my way with all the vines and tree branches and
whatnot.
So you skittle.
You skittle as well. In other words.
If the word skittle
isn't in the episode title,
I might be a little upset.
Skittled in the forest.
I'll figure it out. As Flint
is nearing the ground,
the footsteps sound like they're
coming from a brush just behind where
your location is. And there's
rustling in the brush as
whatever it is is coming
nearer to you.
Hello?
Like, Kel's going to try to back up
and go stealth, hide,
whatever. Yep.
All right. Want me to roll for it?
No, no, you've got natural.
Yeah, you've got natural stealth and hide.
So you're both doing that?
Yeah, I want to hide too.
Yeah, so the four of
you, Flint, Thea, Nularaaaa, and Thaddeus,
you're watching the brush and then you turn
around and both Kel and Will seemingly
have disappeared. Oh, nice,
guys. Nice.
Um, and through the brush
with thick,
heavy footsteps crushing ground
beneath them come
two small
old man elf creatures
with very bright red
hats. And on their back
are sickles.
And they, ooh,
tripped our trap.
There was something over, oh.
Oh, goodness.
Did you guys trip our trap?
I'm sorry, sir, we tripped your trap.
Sorry about that. Oh, well, you've got
to come with us then. Boss says
whoever trips the trap has to come say
hi.
Who's the boss?
Is it Angela? Is it Tony?
Who is it?
It's Samantha. It's Mona.
Who is it? Anyway,
sorry. Who's your
boss? It definitely wasn't Jonathan.
I'll tell you that much. Certainly not.
Couple jokes just think they're funny.
Okay, you want to go see the boss? Let's
go see the boss then. And they pull their
sickles out and they start
kind of corralling you
in the direction that you were going.
Sorry, are they elves or elf
type creatures? Oh, I'm going to give you
a picture here. Don't. Oh, can you give
me a picture there? Don't you!
I'm picturing a garden gnome because
you said they're little and they have sickles and they have
little red hats. Ooh, is it a red
cap, Russ? That's what I'm picturing. Yeah, we're
right. We're right, Carla. We're right.
It is a red cap, yeah. Yeah, it's for sure
a creepy-ass garden gnome.
So they start
corralling you with their
sharp pointy sickles.
Wow, I
certainly hope that
we aren't alone in
this journey. I say kind
of loud and pointedly.
It's like you're talking
to the trees. You've been out here too long.
Will tries
to whisper quietly,
don't go with them. I think
they're screwed.
Hey, who's that?
Who's your boss?
Where are you taking us? Why should we even
go with you? How tall are these guys? Are they
little shrimpy guys or what?
Can I step on one?
Well, they're not that small.
Crunch!
They are small creatures. I'd say they're probably
maxed like two feet tall.
Okay, so I don't know how well
they're corralling us, right?
Yeah, I think we're just kind of standing.
We need to know where you're taking us.
I'm taking you to see the boss. The boss
has to clear everybody
in this part of the forest. Tell me who the
boss is. Way to say
that in a different way. I'm just trying so hard.
The boss is Avon. You heard of Avon?
Yes, we've heard of Avon. Please
take us to her. Yes, yes.
Avon's going to have a field day with you
guys. Don't worry about it. Jokester's all
over the place. Hey, you run your mouth. I'm going to
have a field day with you, as in punting
you over a field goal.
That's not how that sports.
Hey, give it a try.
The other one bites up.
I'll take you down.
Pointy ear, whatever.
Excuse
me? You heard him.
I love that you're talking to yourself, right?
I know, it's so good.
Just take us to Avon and shut your mouth.
He's not having any of it.
Did you hear something in the wood?
I didn't hear anything in the wood.
Were you guys talking to someone when you said
that you weren't supposed to be alone out here?
Were you talking to someone when I said
I'm not supposed to be alone up here?
Yeah, I was talking to my friend here. What were you
talking to? Yeah, me too. Who were you
talking to? Fucking walk.
You keep
an eye out. I'll keep an eye out.
Don't you worry. It's one of
you, child. So
is Avon a pretty good boss?
Yes, sir. Yeah, she's the best.
Don't worry about it. What are the benefit packages
like? I don't understand.
Yeah, dental.
Avon,
she sells cosmetics, right?
It's your
local Avon lady.
I think they're
making fun of us.
Will whispers,
fuck you, Brutus.
Hey, who was that?
No one.
I think it's them.
I think it's them goddamn hipsters
again. Yeah, it's probably the hipsters.
Hipsters? It's totally not them.
Oh, those hipsters are the worst.
Fuck, are you guys traveling
around with those idiots?
Idiots. We're looking
for Avon. Well,
why would you be looking for Avon?
Because you're bringing us to her.
Last group that
came here who said they
were looking for Avon was with them.
Yeah, and we did away with
those idiots, too. You did?
Well, yeah.
You did? Yeah.
What'd you do? I used my sickle
and I murdered them.
Really? Yeah.
That sickle looks pretty clean,
like it's never seen a battle. I just licked
it. Whoa.
That's what she said.
He makes a face like, oh god.
Alright!
I like the commentary
from the trees.
We know you're up
there. No? I pick
one up by the scruff of the neck.
I didn't realize Avon had crazy
creatures working for her that are hearing
things, it seems. I would
have thought she'd have better staff than that.
Did you pick one up by the scruff
of the neck? I try.
How does an 18 do against
your AC? Those are some sharp
sickles. Against my armor?
I have a 16.
Good, you take a sickle hit.
Hey! You take
seven slashing damage,
roll for initiative. Oh, come
on! 18.
I was just going to tell him how handsome
he was. 18.
19.
Ha ha ha!
20.
17. Brutus is up first.
He is the one with the deeper
voice. And he
stomps
quickly over to
Flint.
And he moves
up to its speed
and kicks it
with his iron boots.
The target has to make a
dexterity saving throw. That'd be you, Flint.
Goodness.
You're kicking me with boots?
Yeah. Iron boots.
Well, that's a 19.
Okay.
You die.
Sorry.
That sounded ominous.
This red cap runs towards you and
flies at you with both of these
heavy iron boots.
And you nimbly step out of the way
and it flies past you. And it collects
itself at the other end.
It is Kel's turn.
Where are you, Kel?
I'm hiding in a bush.
And I'm going to shoot
Was the high one the one that
took the first swing?
The high pitched voice?
Yeah, I got him by the scruff.
He is holding it.
Don't you hit me. I'll try not to.
I'm going to take a shot with my short bow.
Oh, boy.
That is a
24. 24 is going to hit.
Yeah. Oh, that's awful.
Seven.
That's not awful.
I roll the one.
It's all good.
The one with
the high voice is up next.
And he's like, ah, motherfucker.
And he swings his sickle
at you thrice.
Thrice. Thrice.
Someone else has to say thrice because
it's, yeah. Thrice.
22, 15,
and 13.
The 22
Okay. So you take another
sickle damage.
That's sick.
It's four slashing damage to you.
Thea, you're up.
Okay. Well, first, I shake him
violently, you know.
Like a
like a mother dog just like
I'll kill you too.
by the scruff of the neck. And what I'm going
to do. So I'm going to conjure
I'm going to produce flame
in my hand. So I
like Thea's just like mad.
She's been poked twice by the stupid
sickle. I have the stupid
scruff of a man. And so
like I've got him face level
and I produce flame
right in front of him in my hand
and I like
I'm going to skin you alive.
Yeah, sure. If you can get free, little man.
11 damage.
11 fire damage.
Thea's a little
sadistic today.
Not statistic.
Nulara, you're up.
Looks like Thea's got that one.
She's like shoving fire down his throat.
So the other one kind of
just like flew
past when he missed
Flint. Yeah. So you
are I'd say probably about 30
feet from that other one.
Well, that's good because that's how fast
I can go. So I'm going
to go and I'm going to swart him real good.
On my way there
I'll pull out flame tongue.
Snail tongue fired.
It's much more impressive.
And that is
a 24 to hit.
Yeah. Great.
So that is
15 damage on my first attack.
Sure.
And then I'm going to attack him again.
And that one probably doesn't work
because it's only a 13.
13 hits.
Sweet. I guess he is just a little
shrimpy guy.
15 damage on that one.
Oh yeah.
And then Donnie's going to come
try and give him a little chomp chomp.
He will
fail at that
attempt because he only
got a nine. But maybe he
tries to pull his hat askew or
something. You know.
Now you look stupid. Now your hat
looks dumb. After
you've done your turn there you all
hear a
loud and
quick
fly through the area
that you're in
and the light seems to
dim around you
and then come back.
Like something just sucked the magic
out of the area for a moment. Maybe.
And Flint it's your turn.
Alright.
I'm going to axe this red
cap that went flying by me that
Nulara just beat up on.
That is a 19.
Yep.
That's 12 damage.
Okay.
And another
19.
So that's 11 and 2. 13.
And he's like
Oh just you wait.
Avan's gonna have.
Oh she's gonna get you guys.
Alright. In that case I'm gonna take
my action surge and attack
him again.
Just for mouth and mouth.
That's a 22.
Yeah that's gonna hit.
21 damage. These guys are pretty robust.
That's a shitload of damage he's
taken. Yeah.
As he's like Avan's gonna have
a. She's gonna skin you
alive and then you just
splat him.
As one does
with an axe. Yep.
Can I turn the buddy that I'm holding and be like
Look what happened to your friend.
Brutus!
No!
So
he's screaming and inhaling fire?
Well I
didn't put the fire in his face.
Behind you Thea. You
feel like you feel
like a wind come up behind you.
And that's a 16
against your AC.
You're gonna take
five piercing
damage from a vicious rapier
that has come up behind you.
As well
you are going
to lose
a spell slot.
No I'm not.
Yeah.
Why? Because that's
when you take the damage
you lose a spell slot. Avan's vamping ya.
But why? Oh hold on.
Succeed on a will saving throw.
Thank you. Or not a will.
A Kell saving throw?
Yeah.
A Kell saving throw.
21
I do not lose my spell slot?
Would that be lose a spell slot forever?
You don't know.
Guys I need to get out of here.
Okay so you don't lose a spell slot.
But you do take that damage.
Will you're up.
Periwinkle's alive right?
Periwinkle's screaming
still somehow in Thea's
arms.
But yeah he's alive. Okay.
I'm gonna take that as a nice set target.
Use my short bow.
Try and put one between the eyes.
Monster 11.
11 does not hit.
Well shit.
You guys are just hiding up in the trees?
Yeah more or less. I'm in a bush.
Let's go to the bush. Yeah no that's
cool. That's cool.
Thaddeus is just kind of
watching. Oh yeah Thaddeus.
Yeah Thaddeus is here. It's his turn.
He's gonna do shit.
He's gonna cast
cloud of daggers
just behind.
Called it.
Russ loves cloud of daggers.
Well who doesn't love cloud of daggers?
Just behind Thea.
Hey it's called cloud of daggers. It's cool as hell.
Just behind me? Yeah.
Just behind Thea.
And Will and Kel
up in the trees you hear
the skittering. Skittling?
Of skittling.
Skittling.
Of what you know
to be the mean locks
climbing up the trees to come get you.
Fuck. There ain't no nice locks?
Boo.
So Brutus.
Who said that? Which one of you booed me?
Podcast over. Nobody
boos.
Kel you're up bud. Oh I'm up. Uh oh.
Yeah Brutus is dead.
Well I'm up in a tree.
Or in a bush. Last I understood you guys
were in a bush or in a tree.
Either way you hear
skittering of mean locks coming towards you.
How far would you say I am
from
periwinkle? You were probably
well you're well within range cause you
can move really fast. Okay.
I would like to run out of
my tree if possible.
Might have to do some rolls.
I would like to run over there
and hit him with a short sword. But if I need to
roll before then so I don't like land on my face
I'll do so.
No you can do it.
Alright.
Roll then.
That is a whopping
11.
11 does not hit.
And as you run
past Thea and Periwinkle
you feel a rapier
just kind of
glance beside your head.
Doesn't hit you but you know that
that is the rapier
of Avon who is
somewhere in the
vicinity.
Periwinkle's turn
and he's still screaming Brutus!
He with unknowing
force
boots you in the chest.
Thea.
Yeah that makes sense.
So you gotta make a
dexterity saving throw to see if you stay
standing.
Critical fail.
Amazing.
Oh my god am I gonna fall back into
fucking cloud of daggers?
I will kill
Fatty.
I will kill
him dead. You didn't even plan it
that way. That's good.
Couldn't have worked out better.
So you're gonna take.
With all the damage.
Guys I might die.
Because of Fatty's.
That's 18
bludgeoning damage from the
iron boots. I will
hunt you guys. And you are knocked backwards
into the cloud of
daggers because you go
Don't die you'll be stuck with
Grancis forever.
Fate worse
than death.
Guys I'm
bloodied.
Oh my god.
I'm sorry has anyone else taken
damage this round?
That's because you're holding one of them.
Well I haven't had the opportunity to drop them.
Frankly I was just about to throw them behind
me into the cloud of daggers.
Because I was picking up what
Thaddeus was putting down.
So that's
Over D4
slashing damage.
Can you roll all ones?
I can try.
Four, eight, nine
slashing damage.
And you're prone.
Because you got knocked backwards.
And you're prone. So that sucks for you.
But it's your turn. Remember you can take a healing
surge if you need to.
I'm gonna say you're not holding periwinkle anymore.
Well obviously.
If someone kicks you in the chest you let them go.
So I'm gonna
take a healing surge right now.
Give me back nine.
It's like I never fell into a cloud
of daggers.
Thaddeus is like
oh god. Sorry.
Sorry.
Okay.
Would rolling
be an action or can I
roll as a movement? Not
get up because getting up would be my action.
You can stand up and take
half of your movement.
But then I can't cast?
You could crawl up to half of your movement.
Yeah you can still
half of your movement action.
We did it wrong in dragons.
We've been playing it right since then.
Well I
do not get knocked prone often.
Well now you're not prone.
So you can stand up and move half your
movement. You can crawl up to half of your
movement. And you can cast.
But any
attack action you take
rolls at disadvantage because you are prone.
Okay well I get up and I
move the fuck away from
this cloud of daggers. Sure.
Okay well I gotta
do it. I'm in a wild shape.
And I'm in a wild shape into
my winter wolf because it's my go
to. Yep. So
that's what I'm gonna do.
I do it!
Can I
also do a spell?
I'm pretty sure
that's it. I don't think you can cast as a winter
wolf. Then I
would do my spell first. Da!
Come on. Keep up.
Jesus.
Okay. So that's
it. I guess that's it.
I'm a winter
wolf now.
Kel
you've moved. But from where
you are or where you were
behind the bush
you turn and see
two mean
locks coming out, running
towards you. And for
everybody else you see
the mean locks as well
because they are now out in the open.
And they are like
large centipede type
creatures.
Yeah. Come on Russ.
Gross.
That's what I do.
Like the ones we had in Korea but
really big. Do they skittle at all
or? Yeah.
They look like they would scuttle.
There's two of them at this point and
they run towards Kel specifically.
More like a flea.
Like a gross flea.
I'm done with my commentary. Sorry.
One of them
attacks at Kel
and misses. The other one
attacks at Kel and I drop the
dice. And that is
a 16
against your AC.
Yep. That hits.
So you're going to take 2d4
plus 2 slashing damage
which is going to be 8 slashing
damage. And you must
succeed on a constitution saving throw.
Alrighty.
Oh boy.
That's an 8.
8 fails.
So you
should consider yourself paralyzed
for an hour.
Okay.
Unless somebody helps
you in some way shape or form.
I've got this.
How many mean locks is there? Three did you say?
Two I do believe.
There are two that have come out.
There's two that you can
see. What a fun little tease.
What a fun
There's two that you see.
Nularaaaa it's your turn.
Can I see
Aven or
she's like invisible
or what's the deal?
Yeah about that.
You don't really see her right now.
Well shit.
You do see
you've noticed. You don't see
it right now but you have noticed
a glowing
blue light that kind of
comes in and out.
Usually around
once was when Thea got
attacked and probably said ouchie.
But other times yeah you've seen it
kind of glow but you haven't
seen her specifically.
Okay.
Then I am going to
cast a spell. Whoa.
I know you guys. Buckle up.
This is groundbreaking stuff. This is like literally
never happened before. She's just worried
somebody's gonna take them from her. That's true.
I might as well use them now.
I'm going to cast Hunter's
Mark on one of the
mean locks and that
means it is I've mystically
marked it as my quarry.
So I get to give it an extra
D6 damage when I hit it with a
weapon. So I'd like to do that to whatever
one is closest to me right now.
Yep.
They're both
kind of right in front of you because that's where Kel's
about. Okay.
And then I have advantage
on perception and survival
checks.
So just FYI I'm going
to give this bastard more damage when I
attack him right
now.
It's a 24.
Yeah 24 is going to hit.
Good. I'd be real worried.
Just barely.
Okay.
So that is
19 damage.
Then I'm going to attack it again
because he's gross and I hate him.
Naturally.
And that is a
15. Yep.
15 damage on
that attack. So that mean lock
lets out a mean locky shriek which is kind
of like eeeeeeeeh
and it's dead. Perfect. In that
case
FYI once it dies
I can change
who I have Hunter's Marked because I can
do this for an hour. Sure.
So I can do that at the beginning of my next turn
I guess probably is when you would like me to do
that. Yes. I don't know how
spells work. I don't know.
Probably the best time.
Yeah.
Me neither and I've been doing them for like three years.
Donnie is
what's the other red
cat periwinkle or something is his name?
Yeah he's still screaming and he's
like stomping Thea with his boots.
Okay Donnie's going to try and
take a little nippy nip out of him.
Do it Donnie.
That was an 18
Donnie.
Totally did
it.
That is
5 damage and he
needs to make a con saving throw.
That's a 15.
Yeah that'll do it.
Okay. Flint you're up
yet. Am I also
not able to see Aven?
You at this point can't see Aven
as well.
Alright I will meander
around the cloud of daggers and go kick the shit out
of periwinkle.
Could someone please throw him into the cloud of
daggers? I cannot be the only one
who lands in the cloud of daggers.
Okay yeah I'll move over there
and throw him into the cloud of daggers.
Okay.
Sure.
After I take a swing at him with my axe.
Okay.
It's a 19.
Did you roll anything less than 19?
No he does not. Well we got a pretty good bonus.
That's true.
It's a 2 so I get to re-roll
that. Yeah 10.
It's a 19
damage. Okay.
And now I'm going to
body slam him
into the cloud of daggers.
But like enough that I'm on the other
side of it and he is going
directly into it. Sure.
So you're like hip checking
him in or you're like picking him up and throwing
him in. Tell me what Flynn's doing.
I'm going to essentially like
judo throw him in there.
Okay kind of like an over the head flip.
Well I was thinking more
like along the side of me but sure
whatever works for you. Sure okay.
So he's going to try
and contest that and grab
onto you.
Bring it periwinkle. So let's make
a
strength we'll just do a strength straight
strength contest. Okay.
14.
17.
So he
holds onto you and grapples you
and you are
now grappled with periwinkle.
Damn it Amy.
Whatever how do you lose a strength
contest to something that's two feet
tall. Apparently it has a crazy
strength roll.
In the middle
of all the action nowhere near
the cloud of daggers
you
see the blue
light Nularaaa that you have seen
and then it comes
to form what looks
like a two foot tall
elf like creature
with giant dragonfly
wings and she says
Kell and Will
thank you
for coming back and bringing me
new subjects. I say nothing
because I'm paralyzed.
Don't worry there's the
other there's the other one I know you're here.
Can I try and shoot
her in the ass with an arrow? No it's still
her turn. Are you saying
anything?
I'm going to try and stay
hidden. Okay. She says
my mean locks have found you
they will be there soon.
And she
disappears again and you just see the blue
light and she flies over
to Thaddeus
and swings at him
with her
right here.
That's a 14
I can't remember what his
thing is.
16 so she misses him.
But you still see that blue
glowing light near where
Thaddeus is everybody.
And
Will your turn.
Her blue light doesn't go on and off
right it's just on? It kind of fades
in and out. She can make it
do that. Okay.
How's holding your action work that
I can just use that
whenever? Yep. Yeah you would have
until Aven's next turn
to ready
your action. Yeah. So you
you'd say
you'd say what you want to do
and a trigger that would
come up before that next
turn. So and if Aven
reappears
I shoot an arrow or something.
Okay.
I'm going to move
as close to the middle
of the group as I can. Okay.
Tip toeing around the cloud of daggers.
And I'm going to
ready fairy
fire. Okay. And
the trigger will be when Aven
appears again. Okay. So
from behind where you were two more
mean locks come out.
So you're now in the middle of the group
kind of surrounded by
all of the action happening around
you. So those mean locks are going to
run into the fray.
And they one is going to go
to Nulara and
one is going to go
towards Thea.
And they are going to swing their
claws at you.
So 20 for Nulara and
a 15 for Thea. So Thea's
misses. But Nulara
you have to take some damage
and make a constitution saving throw.
Great. I love
taking constitution saving throws.
They're my favorite.
So it's eight slashing damage and
18.
Yes. You're not
paralyzed. My AC is 13.
Your AC is 13.
I thought your AC was 16. I'm a winter wolf.
Oh, you're a winter wolf.
All right. Well, you're going to take
some damage too. Damn my honesty.
I know. It's good honesty though. I
admire your honesty. Seven
slashing damage and
a constitution saving throw.
19 plus whatever. You saved.
So you're not paralyzed either.
Thaddeus, it's your
turn. Okay. Great.
Thaddeus is going to
drop his concentration on the
cloud of daggers and say
sorry, sorry,
sorry.
And then go over to Kel and
casts his greater, casts his
I was going to say it but I thought it.
He casts his greater restoration on you.
This bird is a
castaway. It's the most dangerous bird
in the world. So you are no longer
paralyzed but you are prone.
Now Kel, it's your turn.
So is it half
or all movement speed or something to
stand up or? Yeah, half your speed to
stand up and then you still have half movement.
All righty.
Is the mean lock that
hit me still standing next to me?
Yep, there is one right beside you.
Oh, I will try
again with the short sword. Sure.
Oh, that's much better. That is
a
25.
That will definitely hit, yep.
God
damn it. That's a seven and
I forgot last time weapons are
coated with some juices so you need to
make a con
save.
What kind of juices? I know juices
was a gross way of saying that.
13.
That is the DC.
Fruit punch juices? If it
meets it beats unless it's healing so he saves.
Oh, damn.
I want to know what these juices do.
I know. That's a
question for later. Russ
Rowe juices. Sorry, you said seven damage?
Yes.
Okay, and now it
is Periwinkle's turn.
Periwinkle's still kicking. Oh, he's grappled
with Flint. Yep.
They're in a manly embrace.
The manliest.
That's how you do when you grapple.
Your beards are all entangled.
It's
fairly romantic.
So both of our speeds become
zero and we can't benefit from any
bonus to speed.
Condition ends if
the grappler is incapacitated.
So yeah, he's
going to
I don't even know what the fuck he's going to do to you.
Hug you tighter. Whisper sweet nothings
in your ear. Yeah, he's
going to try, he's like holding on
to your, I'm not
going to say your shoulders, but he's like holding on to the front
of your, like your arms.
He's just holding onto your arms. That's probably better.
He's holding onto your arms.
And he's using the leverage of
your arms to pull
himself, to jump and pull himself
and kick you with his iron
boots. So make
a deck save.
Wouldn't he need to like
because we're grappled, so technically I'm
holding on to him as well, so wouldn't he have to
like out-strength me?
Yeah, let's do that too.
Tom, asking the important questions.
Twenty-two.
Okay, fifteen.
So, he doesn't do that.
It's fine.
Alright.
I don't know how to get out of a grapple.
Yeah, you're still
grappling him.
Periwinkle wets himself.
Flint gets grossed out, dropped out.
The ultimate defense.
Oh, thank God.
Can you give me a little picture of what's around
me? I've lost track of where all the bad things
are. So there's a blue light
near Thaddeus
that's kind of fading at this point.
Kel is
you are there. So Periwinkle and
Flint are grappled directly in front of you.
There's no more cloud of daggers.
There's a mean lock
on near
trying to swipe a claw at you.
And did.
There's a mean lock on Nularaaaa.
There's Kel in a mean lock.
What do you want? There's a mean lock on you.
And there's a blue
glowing light. Did Oprah give us these mean locks?
You get a mean lock.
Okay, well I am going to
is there any
so the mean lock is on me. Is there
a mean lock within
I'm going to
What are you trying to do?
Well what I want to do is I want to
frost
cold breath.
And it's a 15 foot cone.
And I'm just wondering how I can position
this if there's like
some maximum damage I can inflict.
You could get
one mean lock
or you could
get two mean locks and a
Kel.
You can get me.
I'll get one mean lock.
There's a saving
throw. Just hit him. There is a saving throw
but it's still half on a
on a failed save.
And it's 48 damage.
I'm going to murder
a potential buddy.
Although I am a little bit wary
she's like you brought us some
people.
Who you working for?
Via has questions. You're allowed to talk if you have questions.
Who you working
for?
I have questions.
That was a real question.
That's a real question.
No one. Just
us.
Help.
You hear Ava say
oh tell her the truth.
Hey. Hey.
Fuck you. This is not your conversation.
This is between us.
Ava briefly glimps
shows her form
which triggers your
thing you had going on there. Fairy fire.
Oh yes.
What a cute nickname.
Do it fairy fire.
It's a
20 foot cube.
It illuminates the area.
I think she's making a deck save.
That's an 8.
So she fails
and is outlined
in light for one minute.
So she can be seen and tracked?
Yes.
Perfect.
Thea turns toward her and
wait how far away is she?
She is hovering
near to Thaddeus.
Thaddeus? Thaddeus.
So she is how fast
is your wolf?
My wolf is fast. 50.
Oh yeah you're well within range.
Okay well I run over to her
and I cold blast the bitch.
Sure. Make a dexterity
saving throw.
13.
So half of 4d8.
Yeah bitch.
Five
cold damage.
That makes
me sad because that otherwise
would have been much much better.
Yeah that's too bad.
Yeah that is too bad.
Okay the mean lock on you Kel.
It's turn.
And it's going to
try to
claw you again.
And that is only
that's a 14.
Shit. Yep that hits.
Constitution saving throw.
Alright.
My goodness it's a 9.
Yeah no you're paralyzed
again.
And that's
going to be 8 slashing
damage to you.
Alrighty. Okay Yulara's
turn. Okay I am going to
change my hunter's mark
to be on Aven.
Okay.
How far away is she? Cause I can
You guys are
about as far away as you could
be. So I'd say you're probably
50 feet away.
Well that's too far
Russ.
Well usually I keep it within
a 30 foot box. So I'm just
changing it up a little bit. Yeah it's
probably more realistic I guess.
Everyone doesn't always fight within my
running range.
I am going to
Oh why did I do that?
Hey does anybody else have a spear?
I have somehow released my
or deleted my what damage
it does. Anybody? Anybody
got one that can tell me what it is?
Cause I have my
bonus I just have somehow erased
what damage it does cause I'm a dummy.
1d6 plus your strength.
I just rolled it. One more thing I forgot
to mention
for Aven
since we can see her with fairy fire you get advantage
on attacks. True story.
Sweet. Well I didn't get advantage
on my attack did I?
We forgot to tell you.
Yes.
Do better.
It's not my job to keep track
of all of your spells. I'm going to
move towards her so that I'm closer
as if she's just going to stay still
which she won't but whatever I'm going
to throw my
spear at her.
Okay. That is a
22. Yeah
that's going to hit. Okay.
So that is
you moved?
I don't need to do that now.
I'll throw
the spear first and then move I suppose.
If you move you're going to take an opportunity
to attack from the mean lock that's on you.
Oh yeah I forgot one of those was
on me.
That's fine. I'm still going to throw my
spear at her. She's the big bad.
But I didn't move.
I totes didn't move.
So
that is
711 damage
on her.
Going to go ahead and use my second attack
on that mean lock that I forgot.
I was already fighting with.
That's a 30. Does that
hit? Does a 30 hit?
You know what? It doesn't.
I don't know.
It hits so well it goes back to no hitting.
How many dice did you roll?
Well just one but I have a plus 11
to attack so
19 turns
into a 30.
Gets pretty sweet.
So that is
15 damage on that attack.
Donnie will try and
I guess give that
mean lock a little chomp-a-roo.
He probably fails because
he only got a 12.
Yes he does
fail.
Flint you're up.
Alright so I'm still grappling with
periwinkle correct?
Alright let's
strength battle to get out of this situation.
A 22.
Yeah I got a 9.
Solid.
You crush him like a leaf.
Yeah I'm going to shove him off me and then
come scream it down with my axe.
I would like you to scream as you roll
too late.
That's a 16.
16 will hit yeah.
So 15
damage there.
And second
attack is a 20 but not critical.
And 10 is 21. 23 damage.
So tell me how you kill
periwinkle.
Gleefully.
I step on his shoulder and
pull him down and
behead him.
And just
as the axe is coming down he's like
I'll see you soon
Brutus.
I think they were together
you guys. They were together.
I'm happy to reunite the two
red cap lovers.
It's a love story of the ages.
It really is.
Even she's not invisible
anymore however you want to say that.
And she looks quite
upset that she is now
covered in fairy fire.
She directs her
upsetness.
Her anger.
She's going to zip on over to
you. She's going to swing her
vicious rapier
at you.
Not well. That's an 8.
That'll miss. And she whispers
to you that nobody else
hears and she says I'll make
you believe that it's all you.
And now it's your turn.
I will yell you
pervert.
Get back.
Let's see.
I'm just going to stab her with my
short sword.
That is an 18.
Yes 18 is going to hit.
That'll do
10 damage.
She needs to make a constitution saving throw.
About to get juiced.
Juiced.
Klon is a 9.
That's a fail.
She will be asleep
for 1d4 hours.
I think she's going to be easy to kill.
That's a 4.
She's asleep for 4 hours.
She's asleep for 4 hours?
Fucking sweet!
Yes.
Yeah
You strike her
and she takes it with 10 damage?
Yes.
Okay.
That brings her down to there.
Fuck it. She falls asleep.
Alright.
Her wings stop flapping and she
falls to the ground.
Hey! I'm your dungeon master Russ
More. Thank you for joining us for episode 33
of Dumbgeons and Dragons titled
Where the Feywild Things Skittles
See Amy I worked it in there. Never have
doubts. We had a blast recording
with Michael and Kyle from American Godscast
who we will hear from in just
a moment but first things first
I just want to let you know we've had a busy week here
obviously we were on American Godscast
more details on that shortly
but also we did an interview with Northern
Nerdcast this past weekend
which was a blast. I'll link that interview
in the description so you can have a watch and go give
Dan and Chelsea some love. If you like what we're doing
and want to see and hear more from us
check out our Patreon page
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast
where for as little as a dollar a month you can
have access to a whole world of bonus content
including episodes DM'd by Tom
DM notes and much more
and starting at the five dollar level in
March we will begin hosting live
Google hangouts once a month
where at least two of us, hopefully
all four every time, but at least
two of us will be chatting and
hanging out with patrons to answer questions
talk D&D and just shoot the breeze and have
a good time. Also know that every member
in the Dumbgeons and Dragons Patreon community
is helping make this podcast better
with each episode so thank you
to everyone who is already a
member and thank you to anyone who is looking
at joining us. Let's chat with Michael and Kyle
here for just a sec. So
thank you guys. Thank you
so much. Yeah, thanks for having
us on. Yeah, thanks for having us. Yeah
it's been weird. It was
a fun one. Alright.
I liked it. Just let
people know where they can find you
in your podcast and Twitter and all that
sort of stuff. Yeah, so you can find
us. You can send us an email at
americangozcast.gmail.com. We're on
Twitter at CastGods
Facebook American Gods
podcast and
we're pretty much on iTunes
Stitcher, like all the big names, Google Play
You can find us pretty much anywhere. Awesome
and so this episode is going to be
coming out towards the end of the month, February
28th
and we are going to be
doing a show with Michael
and Kyle on American
Gods cast so if you want to go
check that out we'll be reviewing
HarmonQuest. I don't know when that
comes out exactly but it's either just before
or just after this maybe. Yeah it should be
in the week of
the 20th. In the week of the 20th so
it will have come out so go check out that show
over there. We will have
hopefully done our best.
There will be
a lot less murder
no it's HarmonQuest
but yeah go check them out and
enjoy what they offer
over there. So thank you guys again for
being on the show. Yeah thanks so much.
Yeah thanks guys. Next episode will be out
March 14th when we get back on the trail
enough of these side quest
adventures. Nah we have fun doing the side quest
adventures too but yeah we're back on the regularly
scheduled program. Let's wrap up
this gong show though. Hope you enjoy and
we'll chat again in a couple weeks.
Minlok's turns.
They see
Aven fall
and they
just poof out of existence.
You don't see them. They teleport
away from the scene.
So that was Minlok
three and four. So there's still one
over Kel
and it is Thaddeus's turn
and he casts
greater restoration on Kel again
and says don't fuck it up this time.
I'm back.
And Kel is back
and there's one Minlok
over you. The rest have fled
and Aven has fallen asleep
because it's what you do on the job.
I'm up I'm
guessing. If you stand up
Yep. Yep gonna stand up.
I will hit the Minlok
with
poison spray. Sure.
So
I think you have to make a con save.
That's a nine.
Oh my goodness.
I'm doing something. Strong roll.
That is
a four damage.
Big hitter.
And that was that Minlok
who screeches
in the face of this poison spray
and crumples up
like the centipede type creature
that it is and it is dead.
Oh I'm huge.
So you are all standing over
Aven who is sleeping now.
Can I freeze her? Does she
look peaceful? Well I'm gonna say
you're not in combat directly now
so you can do you guys can talk
about what you want to do with her. That's why I
ask can I freeze her?
I draw a penis on her face
with a magic marker. I'm okay with that.
I hand you
a sharpie and I be like
let's do this for real.
I put her hand in some
warm water so she pees her pants.
She pees her pants.
You're not even gonna make her do a pee your
pants roll? She's sleeping.
I steal one of her bras
and put it in the freezer.
I don't know if anyone's gonna do
anything productive but
me and I are just playing sleepover pranks.
I want to manipulate
her weekend
style.
I don't know like get all her minions
all confused and stuff.
Nothing.
Thaddeus pipes up.
He's like so
she's asleep now.
What were you guys hoping to do? Is it like somewhere
you can take her?
What do you want us to do with her?
We can just kill her.
Oh my god. Is there no
law? Is there no
justice judicial system
in the Fae?
No there is.
We're not really in the Fae.
Not yet but you could
take her.
Okay she was just trying to kill
us. The only difference now is she's
asleep so I feel like it's okay.
Okay you do it.
Okay. I walk
up to her. I try to
feel around to see if I can steal anything
first on her person.
Send an investigation check.
You feel up as sleeping.
That's a 26.
She has the clothing
on her. She has a short
bow and a vicious
rapier.
I will nab the vicious rapier.
Anyone want it? Nah I'm good.
I guess what's it do?
Maybe it's real good Thea. Maybe you want it.
Is it made of metal?
It is a magic weapon.
Yeah I'm not cool with it.
It's 1d8 piercing damage and
when you roll a 20
on top of your
crit the target takes an extra
2d6 piercing damage.
Ooh.
Fancy.
I can't take it.
I don't think it's
better than my axe so I'll have it.
Yeah me as well.
We should probably just leave it here on the
ground then.
Or I can stab her with it. Yeah.
Ooh. I want to stab her
with that. Such vicious
little creatures. I love it. I know.
Make it look like an accident though.
Hold on.
Yeah I'm going to prop
the sword in the dirt.
Like she fell on it?
Yeah.
Totally accidental.
People fall into rapiers all
the time. Okay hold on.
I'm not going to stop
you from doing what you're doing but to the
other three of you you're
just going to
whatever.
I have already suggested they take her
to the authorities
and they're like
nah we're going to kill her.
Nah murder.
Dia feels like her conscience
is fairly clear.
I refuse to do it myself.
They have the opportunity.
This is their
grievance.
Yeah I agree like they have like I
wouldn't do it but they have history
with her like I don't know their life.
I like these
rascally little
things.
Explain to me how you set up
her presumed
suicide.
Alright so
in the dirt I make a little hole
and I kind of shove the rapier in there
and then we
I think Kel and I will like prop her
up like she's standing up and then
I'll stick my foot out and push her over.
What if I'll take the bottom half
you take the top half and then we could just kind of
like fluff her like you're doing
your sheets but like
onto the
rapier a couple times.
Or we can kind of throw her sideways like we're
throwing a toddler. We might have to like roll
for that.
Like we're throwing a toddler.
How many toddlers do you guys
throw?
Just my nephew.
Oh my god.
Well I hope there's no rapiers involved
but yeah you
you flop her like a
sheet or a toddler.
And
how many times do you do this?
Twice.
Twice? That's it?
How is she propping for like the double tap
rule is important. That's true.
She tripped twice.
On the
first time
you see her kind of stir
and on the second time
the light comes back to her
eyes but then quickly leaves.
She is
double tap.
Expelled from this world
and in that instant
there is a flood
of light and color and
force that comes from her
body
and
Kel and Will
and Thea and even a Nulara
you feel that there is a much stronger
magical presence
in this forest now.
I'm gonna kick some leaves over her body.
Just cover it up a little bit.
Doesn't case.
Hope you wiped your fingerprints off the murder weapon
or CSI Faye will be all
over you. When you walk away
make sure to take a big like fern
branch and like sweep behind
you so that your hoof prints
don't show.
Thaddeus speaks up. He's like well at least
it's like the dragon uprising
and I don't think anybody's gonna be
looking for a fairy in the forest.
Did you guys have a deal you wanted to settle
up with these two?
Can I have a, can I have an
Antler please? Yes.
I'm assuming I have some
kind of like let's
say satchel thing. I'll pull one out
and I'll give it to Thea.
Or if you're here just
you want to grab my Antler and then just
go at it? Yeah do you want to brush one?
Well are you ready to shed that? Like is that just gonna come
right off? I mean I can just
rip it off. Oh god.
What?
I mean I think I shed
mine like a couple months ago and it's
only like a once a year thing. But you guys
did help out a lot.
Oh do you guys want wings also?
We could probably get you some sweet pair of
wings.
Are you gonna pluck them off the fairy
you just murdered?
It's not a pluck, it's a simple
tear. It's a little different.
No, I will take
a pre-shed
one of your Antlers
and no wings for me.
Thank you. Yep, good on the wings.
Yep, good for wings.
Whatever floats your boat I guess.
I'll hand them one of my Antlers.
Thank you.
I think.
It's all been tainted by murder.
It's been strange
boys, it's been strange.
Can you point us
in the way of Althend?
Oh.
About that.
I'm just fucking with you.
We'd like to
show them the way.
You know, like good hosts.
Of course, of course. Yeah you
guys kind of
I don't know how you guys are feeling but
you know, you just kind of saunter back
through the woods
and you make it to the edge
of Althend.
And you see
much like the other settlements that
Flinthia, Nularaaa, and Thaddeus have seen
very sparse
buildings along the floor but
up in the trees there is a
very large tree village
and there are actually elves up there
walking that you can see, walking the planks
and
Flinthia, Nularaaa, and Thaddeus
turn around to
thank Will and Cal
and they
turn around and they
look down and they remember
meeting Will and Cal
and they remember they
needed help with something
and then they remember showing up
here and Thea has
an Antler in hand.
But no recollection?
No recollection of anything else and Will and Cal
are nowhere to be seen.
So the terrible murdering
never even happens.
I feel so light
like there's nothing weighing on me.
Perfect, we don't even have to feel guilty.
Guys, the weed I'm smoking is fantastic.
Music in today's episode was by Kavin McLeod of Incompetech.filmmusic.io.
Uh, hello?
Normal conversation is hard.
Sorry, I keep starting
but then I hear someone else.
Me too, I wish we had video going.
It's so hard because I don't want to talk over my friends.
Right?
Okay, whatever, we're all individually recording.
I'm just going to talk over all of you guys.
Do it.
I do, anyway.
Listen, Tom, using your power of
also being a DM.
You turn that shit off.
You're just a regular Joe in this game.
I'm so smart.
That is a bang on
impression of me, by the way.
Russ understands all about
how noble
it can be to run and hide during
a battle.
This is all
Russ's character in the Patreon
game is all
all kinds of brave from a distance.
I put my
cloak on and go invisible and stand in a corner
for the entire time.
I don't know
what you guys are talking about.
That's it, I'm having
a third beer.
I wish I had a beer.
I wish we could open
our door.
Why can't you open your beer?
Oh, our setup is
top notch.
It's blocking the door.
It's a fire hazard.
What if you need to use a bath?
You know what? Never mind.
I take it back.
We play this broadcast until one of them
pees their pants.
And we won't stop until
one of them does.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons
production.